“Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:6
Conversation
Papa, I love You. I love You Holy Spirit, and I love You Jesus. I worship You with all my heart and I’m so thankful for You, that You are a Pure and Holy God. Please draw me closer, deeper into Your heart. Please forgive me Papa when I don’t put You first or when I look at myself in any way before I look at You.
I love you My darling, My faithful one. You are Mine.
Holy Spirit I pray that You’d give me Your desires. I pray for Your filling my heart with Your presence. Show me areas in my heart where I need to give to You; I fully surrender my all to You.
My daughter, come, let your heart be at rest; My will, will come to pass. I have planted my desire in your heart. I am near.
Holy Spirit, Your love amazes me. I know Your peace and I’m so thankful for it. You sustain me all the time. Thank You for Your loving nearness.
Your welcome My daughter. Come and rest, for I am with you wherever you go.
Reflection
Hello and welcome to my journal. Life in the valley can be very difficult, but we need to remember that God is always faithful. Right now I’m in a valley, being tested and pruned so that in God’s time I’ll be ready to walk out of this valley, Victorious! What I’ve been doing as I’m waiting is spending time with God and keeping on doing what He’s already asked me to do. I’m clinging onto hope because God is my firm foundation. God is faithful and I know that He will never let me down, and I’m going to stay faithful to Him. He has shown me His faithfulness all the time and I know His love through that. God gives me dreams and wakes me up at certain times. As you read my journal my hope is that even though I’m in a valley in my life, I hope you will be inspired to always keep your heart open to God no matter what’s going on in your life, because God is a God of Love and He always has a Good plan for our life. He knows how to lead us; we just need to trust Him and follow Him! Very often God draws my heart to Him through love songs! My love for God/Jesus keeps on growing as I continue to pursue Him. During the night God wakes me up at certain times with either a word from Him and/or a dream. So here’s my journal entry for today..
8: I’m never going to forget” I saw someone begin to walk out of the room. (After coming home from the gathering I went straight to bed, feeling like I had been in a battle with giants all day long.)
2:28 Come! Like a flood! Like a fire! Holy Spirit come! Oh Holy Spirit come.” (I went downstairs to pray)
“He’s calling, He’s calling, He’s calling, come alive, come alive.”
4:13 A vision of standing in front of two big windows that were vertical, my height, and that didn’t have any glass, feeling like they were windows I could walk through. I hardly noticed the one on my right. I was looking into the one on the left; it looked like a fairytale setting, with green grass, blue sky and had some white things like feathers or something, floating gently in the wind. (I went back up) I’m sensing this represents another opportunity… standing on the left.
5:33 I was holding a stack of white papers in my hands, in front of my face. Vision This morning I took a big stack of written prayer conversations that were in my blue folder; I need to find a place to put them. I’ve kept all my conversations with the Lord in my desk, and now my desk is full.
5:41 I vaguely had papers in my hand and driving south. This morning I’m doing my devotions with God at Oakridge.
6:02 “North Pacific, South Pacific” In my dream someone came to visit me in my home. We were downstairs in the basement. I only had a shirt on but I didn’t notice (meaning that I’m being transparent). Only later I noticed; someone was going to follow me so I grabbed a clean navy blue towel from a hook and wrapped it around my waist (there were two blue towels hanging, the one on the left was dirty and the one on the right was clean, and I grabbed the one on my right. I was going to be walking in front of someone as we were walking across the room and I didn’t want to make him look at me on the way there.
Someone said a few little things and then he wanted to play a game that was there. The ping pong table was there and there was another small table beside that one. Then he had a small rubber ball in his hands. There were two other girls there who were going to play with them; his wife was there too. During my dream I had touched him on his shoulder a few times (two times) and I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression so I also touched her on her shoulder as I spoke to her. She was smiling at me as she stood beside her husband. I saw his back I think when she smiled at me. Then it was the ping pong table they were playing, with the other two girls. Then the ball landed on the floor and rolled underneath something but was still very visible, and he went to get it, going on his hands and knees in front of me to my left.
In one scene there was a small child who was telling me something that her older brother was doing (I didn’t really understand what she was saying but I had the sense that it had something to do with her.) He was going to play ping pong or something but then before doing that he pulled out an inflatable pool for his younger sister. He walked over to the sink and began filling it up with water. I had seen that it had been flat as he was pulling it out by then I saw that it was already filled with a lot of water (the water made it not flat anymore). I think I had asked to fill it up the rest of the way so I was holding it underneath the spout, filling it (there was a lot of water in front of the spout, so I needed to lean way over to get to the spout, but this is vague). I wasn’t sure how full he wanted it so I filled it to the top and thought he could pour some out if he wanted to make it the right amount, which he did. I watched him take it and carefull pour some out, eyeing the right amount. The pool had become small like a round floating tube for small kids.
Then I was going back upstairs and saw my kids dad standing in front of his coffee machine, making himself a latte before going to work. Then I was going back downstairs; I was going down slowly like I was on an elevator with no walls. I was looking straight ahead, then up to the ceiling and saw the underneath side of the stairs going up. Then I saw as I was being brought down, two papers that were folded and taped on the wall that had numbers written on them. I could see the indented parts where there was writing on the other side. On the way down before that there was a small square platform that I was brought passed, and thought that this is what he saw when he came into the basement.
6:59 I vaguely remember seeing papers, that I had given papers to someone.
8:02 “Excitement in the book of Joshua and Rebecca” (I heard these words in my heart right before waking up.)
In a dream at night I was with a group of ladies and one of them was using a breast pump, putting milk into a container. I could see her emotion as she was pumping and I said that I remember the feeling of breast feeding (one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life). The container was full and she said something like “only six cups can fit in it today.” I was looking at it and thought there was room for a little bit more. She had more to give, but it only had room for six cups. This morning I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte and also a pumpkin cream cheese dessert at Oakridge. I’m sensing to order 5 more “cups,” at church or when I go for coffee with others.
My day yesterday was so difficult. I had a dream about seeing two women talking together, one of them had red pants on. At the gathering I really wanted to go and sit in the living room and read my “Holier Than Thou” book, but sensed to stay with the group. I did and at the end of the day I had a nice conversation with one of my sister-in-laws. She still asked me what I keep myself busy with, having that look in her face that tells me I have been talked about, so I told her (and she asked me if I’m involved at church) everything I’m involved in at church. Right after lunch there was a group of us sitting around the dinner table. One of my sister in laws loves to talk and she’s one of those people who’s very smart, a teacher and is also on the board for something in the government. After she was done talking there was a moment of silence and she asked me how I was doing. Feeling like everyone wants to know what I have to say, knowing they talk about me, I just said “good,” and then there were more moments of awkwardness. I didn’t know what else to say and I nearly broke down sobbing. Then people started talking again and I regained composure. Then shortly after that we all went into the living room and I sat on a recliner chair and took my book out. My kids dad sat beside me but on the couch. When we first got there, he and my brother in law hugged and were very emotional. I knew what they were talking about, me, feeling like he was giving my kids dad emotional support because of me. My kids dad was acting like the perfect husband, sitting beside me all day, asking what drink I wanted and getting it for me, pouring it into my glass. Later he said I can have whatever I wanted when one of the nieces asked if I could support her, raising money for an event. He praised me in front of everyone. It’s all to show that he’s the nice guy in our marriage so that he has good reasons to leave when our kids get older. He praises Lucas and his character, saying he’s like me in that way and talks about Bella that she more like him in a negative way, yet he’s so proud of that. I don’t agree with him about Bella; she’s talked with me about why he says things like that to her, to stop being her. I’m going to tell him that words have power and he’s speaking these unhealthy words to her, making her think she is the way he tells her. I told her that I don’t agree which what he says, and I affirm the good I see in her heart. At the dinner table when we went back after sitting in the living room, one of my sister in laws asked me about work, if I was busy subbing yet. Then I said exactly what I sense they’re all talking about, that all I do is stay home (in previous gatherings my kids dad says that I only sub a little so that I can say that I’m subbing.), and instead of making excuses for why I’m not subbing yet, I shook my head and said that I haven’t started yet. Then she said something like it’s probably not that busy yet in schools and I said that they’re very busy and that some subs are working full time, that’s how busy they are. They didn’t know what to say about that and my kids dad got up quickly, thinking he was overwhelmed with excitement that I admitted that I wasn’t working. He’s building his case, getting them on his side for when he wants to leave. At home afterwards he said that the gathering was a successful one. When I said what I did, it was like I was facing a big giant in the room and I feel like when I said this, that I had overcome it. I was the elephant in the room. Anyway, this was my day yesterday.
My heart shattered when I learned I hadn’t made it on Sunday, but I know that the Holy Spirit is teaching me how to hear and follow Him, so I know that my walk with Him is a treasure. I’m sensing that on Wednesday I need to close (dream about getting up from the side of the couch where the youth pastor normally sits). If I’m wrong then please forgive me, hoping I’ll sense not to, before then if I’m not suppose to. I’m sensing to stand on the left side of the stage (window on my left in my dream), and also hold the microphone in my left hand. I’m going to my moms right after this and taking her shopping at Sobeys if she still needs. I’m coming to church tonight; Bella has a volleyball game that her dad will go to, and I’m hoping Lucas will come with me tonight. Blessings and love…🫰🏼