Psalm 13:5,6
“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.”
Conversation
Papa, I’m disappointed with myself. I feel like I was robbed. Right now it’s true that I don’t think of myself as a pastor or a pastor in training. That’s why I answered the way I did when I said I wouldn’t go to the conference during the day on Friday. So I pray Papa that you would help me see myself as a youth pastor. Wake me up to this and help me take steps forward in it.
My daughter, rest. It’s not too late. Come, you are Mine.
Reflection
Hello everyone, welcome to today’s page in my journal! The Lord wakes me up most nights at certain times after He’s given me a dream, which I sometimes don’t know the meaning of but other times I do, and it’s such a great comfort to my heart. I absolutely love sharing what God is doing in my heart, hoping it’ll inspire you to spend time with God everyday and grow the most fulfilling relationship with Him!
This morning I was comforted because I dreamt about Jesus my husband again. We were at my in-law Christmas gathering. I saw him sitting by himself at the table in the kitchen, looking down and doing something with his hands I think. My mother-in-law was busy by the sink, and so I saw her back/side. My husband was somewhere in the house too, by himself and looking down; I saw him vaguely one time in my dream. Then I was looking for something to do with Jesus my husband so I began looking for the lawn chairs. I wanted to look for them together with him but it was a bit awkward between us so I didn’t ask. But I was still looking for them and looked in a place I thought they’d be and they weren’t there. Then I had walked into a storage room and I saw that the room was about halfway filled; in the first part of the room the floor was clear with nothing on it, and the rest of the room was filled with stuff. It was like the stuff was pushed to the back of the room which created a line from clear to full. I thought that this was probably where the lawn chairs were. After the dream I looked at the time and it was 3:19.
Then in another scene I was walking around and I thought that because Jesus my husband was there, I knew that everyone knew because it was pretty obvious. Then I was standing close to him and he was showing me what he was doing; He had a clear, small, palm/hand sized glass jar in his hands that was laying on its side, and he was stirring something in the middle of it with something like a chopstick right through the glass. As he stirred it, the middle of the glass was soft, and he was rolling it/rotating it while he was stirring. As he was stirring it I looked closer to see if I could see something, and I did! I saw something like soft glass. At first when I watched, it looked like there wasn’t anything there (in the middle of the glass where he was stirring), but when I looked closer I saw the soft glass being stirred and I was so excited that I could see it! It felt like normally people wouldn’t be able to see it.
Then the scene changed where Jesus was sitting in the kitchen, talking with my mother-in-law while she was working at the sink, in German! I was so surprised and in awe! I would never ask that.. I can hardly speak it myself, though I can understand it very well. I said something like, “you can speak German?” When I heard him say these things, I felt a deeper connection with him.
This morning the Holy Spirit helped me to understand what I didn’t see before. I’m beginning to believe that I am a youth pastor.. it’s beginning to sink into my heart. But I still feel like, who am I to be a youth pastor? I think that’s what Jesus was stirring inside me, for me to really believe and see that I am a youth pastor. Yesterday right before waking up God spoke to my heart, saying, “step into.” I’m not sure I know how to step into it, other than read books about it and prepare messages. Anyway, I can feel determination rise up within me. So even though I feel robbed that I didn’t go to the conference during the day on Friday, I have hope that not all is lost. If there’s something else I’m not seeing yet, then I trust the Holy Spirit to show me.
This morning Bella threw up and had a fever. I’ve given her advil and she’s feeling better than before, but still feels faint when she stands up. I’m feeling a bit light-headed and faint too with a bit of a head-ache. I’m so amazed at knowing the difference between knowing something in our mind and actually knowing it in our heart when we truly believe the information we know. In my experience this is a journey that only the Holy Spirit can take us on when we want to actually believe something. I think there’s so much more to pursuing God than to merely live a christian lifestyle. Many years ago when I was going through deep inner healing it was prophesied over me that I would become a scholar. If I’m going to know something really well and study something, I think the most important thing to know is to know God better and being able to hear and be led by the Holy Spirit. I love books and I’m so glad God is leading me towards reading many of them, something I’ve not had time for in awhile. Many blessings to you… Bella and I are still sick; we both have headaches and I can barely talk. I had another revelation during the night when I couldn’t sleep; When Jesus spoke German in my dream, it was to show me that I’m a German Shepherd! A shepherd is one of the things how to describe a pastor, and German is my background! God gave me a few dreams again which I’ll post. I’m going to cook a chicken today to make soup. We have dried noodles which will make making the soup very simple. Blessings…
Sunday, November 5th: I was going to post this on Sunday but my iPad was acting funny. I just need to enable cookies. I dreamt that I was walking towards the door of my house; we were going to go and visit someone at their place. My husband didn’t tell me who we were visiting. Then we were there and I was in a small open, white closet, pealing a vegetable, maybe an onion I’m not sure. The family we were visiting was a family from India who had just moved here. Then it was like something funny happened because the mom and I couldn’t stop laughing; we were having a laughing fit where I would hear her laugh, and it would cause me to laugh all the harder. I saw her smiling face as she smiled from ear to ear. I saw her in the closet as well, from the top like I was by the ceiling. At first when we had arrived, my husband had told me that he was going to get something from home, so he had left to get that. This was my first time meeting this family. They lived just off of Henderson Highway and I told her that we lived down Henderson a little ways too. In waking life we used to live on Noble, so this is what I had in mind when I said that. I vaguely saw a little boy or I had a knowing the family had a little boy.
Then the scene changed where they had an actual really big jet, and Bella and I were sitting on top of it. We were sitting in what reminds me of a tractor bucket loader. It was right at the front and very high up (higher up than what Jets are). I had a feeling like someone was driving it like they’d drive a race car with a remote. We were eating something so I quickly finished eating it, and I felt that I needed to hold on tight and I think that’s what I told Bella to do too. I was looking down to the paved city road and could see a row of orange pylons to block off the street, but the jet kept on driving right through them. I saw that if we were in a car, there’d be space enough for us to drive through the center of them. Then what was happening was, the bucket and the whole thing came crashing down. I was holding Bella’s hand and as soon as my feet hit the ground, I pulled her hand and we quickly ran out of the way. The crash was really scary because it was so heavy; we could have been completely flattened underneath. I didn’t see the whole thing happen but I saw the heavy crash just as we stepped out of the way. As we were walking away from the crash I was thinking about this, that we had escaped with our life just moments before. The tractor bucket reminds me of the story where someone from a farm was going to marry someone else who had a farm. She went on a mission trip before the wedding and felt called to the country she had gone to. I’m not sure but in my dream when the whole thing came crashing down makes me think about that, that the idea of living for myself, without missions and working in the church, has come crashing down. I believe that God is changing my life’s perspective, and I’m so glad! Also wondering if God is calling me to India?
I had another dream where I was in a gym that was almost completely empty. I was closer to the wall when I saw a man crouch close to the floor as he walked, coming towards me. So I quickly walked towards the center of the gym to get away from him. He was really dirty and was the type of man who had ill intentions.
Saturday Bella and I watched Beauty and the Beast again, one of my favourites. What stood out to me this time was the library and all the books, and at the end the transformation of the beast; yellow and red rose pedals! Today was a very restful day; Bella and I aren’t feeling well so we both slept and took a nap and I made chicken noodle soup. We watched the latest Loki episode. Blessings..
November 6: Bella and I are feeling a bit better today, but we both have very low energy. I still feel light headed and my skin hurts when I brush up against it. I won’t be going to the city tonight to do another week of the Bless study. Last night I dreamt that I was outside with a larger group of people, and it was night (reminds me of seeing 6 stars..). I looked up into the sky and I saw a transparent wall of letters of the alphabet, come down and stay about as high as the treetops. When I looked closely at it I saw that the letters weren’t flat but were as deep as the rooms of a house. The letters weren’t open at the top but were closed. What we needed to do was fly up or swim up to the letters. I’m not sure what we needed to do once we got up there. I had looked for a spot to fly up but then I thought to ask someone what I need to do up there first, so I was walking around to look for someone. It felt like it was a group challenge. I think I saw a capitol A. There was a scene where I was outside with a few people. We were looking down at something that reminds me of a campfire. The air was water and we needed to breathe in the water to breathe. At first I struggled with it but then I got comfortable doing it. Another short dream where I was in a bedroom and I looked around to where I could sleep for the night. I saw a narrow place behind the tv (I think it was a tv), but then I looked around for another spot.
In this dream I was in our house (not actual), in either Lucas or Bella’s room. I was standing in front of her window and opened it more. It was the evening and I saw the screen. Then I had walked across the hallway and was standing in front of the others window. It was already open but I opened it more. As I was turning the thing to open the window more, I saw the sunshine come in more, the more I opened it. It was evening and the sun was low in the sky. I felt really peaceful. Another scene where I was still in the house and I was seeing a long window with a screen. I saw outside and saw that there were many mosquitoes and other black bugs trying to get in from the top where the screen began. I wondered if the mosquitoes would be able to get in and then saw they couldn’t. I also saw that it was windy outside with some branches flying by, and this helped to keep them away. I believe this represents that I’ve opened my heart more to what God wants to do in my life in terms of speaking and missions. The wind is the Holy Spirit which is helping to keep the bugs (possibly lies or heaviness) away. I’m planning to get a haircut. About my message, I’m going to make it really simple because it’ll be less overwhelming for me this way. Blessings…