My Dad. You are my healer; please come and fill the places in my heart that were supposed to be filled by my dad. I forgive him for not hugging me, for not holding my hand, for not talking with me. I’m thankful that every evening he’d wait patiently, quietly by the door, waiting until my siblings and I ran home and through the door, and then he’d lock the door for the night. I felt secure. Even though he was quiet, his faithful presence was a comfort to me. I’m thankful for every wink he gave me because in them I felt a connection that said, “I love you.” I don’t know what my dad is doing right now in heaven but I know that he’s filled with peace and joy, and he can finally talk with You Jesus, face to face.
My daughter, come and rest. He is very much looking forward to the moment when he can wrap his arms around you. Be comforted my darling and rest, for this time will come. You are Mine and I love you.
Help me walk forward Father. Help me walk close to you so that I can be close to those I love. Loving you deeply and being filled with you helps me to love others deeply as well. You are my strength as I commune with you daily, so help me go from strength to strength through the deep valleys, leaving your fragrance in every place of hardship.
Caroline, My daughter come, for you are not alone. Let’s walk -theres so much I want to tell you.
Okay Jesus, you are my Shepherd and I love your voice. Walking beside you and listening to your voice comforts me. Thank-you for your nearness and the feeling of belonging when I’m with you -thank-you that I belong to you.
Reflection:
I don’t have a lot to talk about.. but in my heart I’m attentive to the Lords voice as him and I keep walking. After going out for lunch after church last Sunday I made a birthday cake for my daughter. She had felt a bit overlooked because of the business of funerals -we went to another one last Saturday. I used to decorate my kids birthday cakes more when they were really little and my daughter wanted me to make her cake look special, wanted her mama’s touch, and I’m so glad she did because it got my creative juices flowing again. I had to look up how to make flowers -it had been so long!
Walking through this journey of loosing someone I love is difficult, a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be. I know that my deepest sense of belonging lands on Jesus and my heavenly Father, and I know that I can always lean into Him. What is also helping me continue walking is having a sense of direction from the Lord. Two nights ago the Lord gave me a dream which I almost dismissed because of the seemingly unimportance of it, but God brought it back to mind when I was in prayer about my next steps. I dreamt that on a long table were many individual set-ups being displayed along the edge of the table like a cul-de-sac, and I was telling a little girl that I was going to record a glimpse of each one as I passed by them, going around until I came back to that end of the table. I think the Lord wants me to talk about the main points of each recording, connecting them in some way. I’m not sure yet how many I’ll include at one time, but I need to give a brief recap as I talk about each one I’ve done. In my dream it was going to all be in one recording, but I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. I also dreamt last night that I saw a snake and I took it by the neck and began squeezing it. I was afraid of what was being sprayed out of it’s mouth, but I kept on squeezing it. As I was writing this on paper, the word intimidation came to mind. I think that as I keep pursuing the Lord in what he wants me to do, courage grows and intimidation will need to leave, and I also need to come against it in prayer. I know there’s intimidation in other areas of my life, so this is a battle.
This morning in my time with the Lord I was really meditating on Psalm 85:10-13 Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield it’s harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps. These verses draw me intimately into Jesus and my Fathers arms. I’m part of the bride of Christ and I’m making myself ready for him. I want to please my Father with all that I am. My purpose and honour is to be as near to him as I possibly can be here on earth and in heaven. He is my greatest hearts desire and I run to him in the greatest desperation, every second of my day and night. Expand my hearts capacity to love you more, my Dad. Psalm 84:1- How lovely is your dwelling place O Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the Living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, a place near your alter. And this is communion with the Father, to be close and dependant on Him. Blessings…