Ezekiel 38:23
“And so I will show my greatness and my holiness, and I will make myself known in the sight of many nations. Then they will know that I am the Lord.”
Hello everyone, welcome to today’s page in my journal! The Lord wakes me up most nights at certain times after He’s given me a dream, which I sometimes don’t know the meaning of but other times I do, and it’s such a great comfort to my heart. I absolutely love sharing what God is doing in my heart, hoping it’ll inspire you to spend time with God everyday and grow the most fulfilling relationship with Him! If you’ve been following my post for awhile you’ll see that the layout for this post is slightly different. The last few nights the Lord has been waking me up in the middle of the night to spend time with Him. I have my phone right beside my bed and so I take notes about what I sense God telling me throughout the night, so it may look a bit messy, but if you’re okay with that and would like to read my journal with the Lord, then welcome!
Notes, Thoughts and Conversation
Jan 8: 10:32 I saw my dad laughing and walking. Someone had said the word “deacons” and my dad repeated it, saying the word, deacons, as he laughed with joy, having a big smile on his face and walking past me, but facing his face to me. This reminds me of something I shared with my Spiritual Leadership group. I shared about how the last month or so I’ve learned and felt like God is testing me. My friend said after I shared that I’m not a young christian, but a seasoned one, and I said that even though I’ve been a christian for a long time, taking on a more serious leadership role is new for me. So even though the example in the book in chapter 6 talks about new believers needing to be tested before they become deacons, even though I’m not going to be a deacon, I still am being tested because God is leading me to be a leader and eventually a pastor.
10:45 I was nearly asleep or had just fallen asleep when I saw about a handful of green stems (like they were leaning into the kitchen sink, ready to be washed) and the leafy part of that reminds me of kale. As I was looking at the deep green foliage, I saw something and looked a bit closer and I saw a small light coloured frog that had some black dots on its skin. I vaguely saw or imagined it jumping straight into a blender that was turned on. I think the spiritual meaning of frogs has something to do with lies or some kind of satanic power, I’m not sure. I need to pray about it but I think this has to do with what I’ve shared today in my post. I’m being set free and the lies of the enemy have no power.
11:05 I vaguely saw a sunset painting (or sunrise?) I’m going to paint a sunrise next)
11:09 I heard, “Philanthropist” what’s a philanthropist? (I checked later, and I feel like I’m being helped as I share. I also enjoy listening to others. It also makes me think of giving.
2:44 I dreamt that my husband was going to sell some of his tools. My brother texted me yesterday asking if I want some of my dads tools. I also think this has something to do with spiritual mechanics. It reminds me of the dream I had about parking at a garage to get more oil for my vehicle. When I spend time with the Lord at night in my basement, I sense the Lord so strong! I also haven’t had time to listen to all of Ana Werners 1st teaching, and the Q and A about it has already come out, and also the second teaching. So I’m running a bit behind! I’m at chapter 9 in my Leadership book which I absolutely love! I’ll need to reread it.
1:32 I dreamt that I saw someone have two paintings in their hands, feeling that I need to paint two paintings. So I’m going to paint a sunrise this week!
(Then I got up and went downstairs to pray in the Spirit.)
2:31: Papa, I love You so much! Thank You for Your hand on my life, Your hand that I hold and your hand that leads me and guides me. Thank You for the second chance that is clearly ordained by You. Thank You for Your comfort and Joy that resides in my heart. Thank You for drawing me near to Your heart. Thank You for this awesome privilege in following You, and that You’ve led me to swim in very deep waters where all I have is You to cling onto for life. Thank-You for waking me up in the frigid waters of life. Thank-You for Your deep love for me. Thank-You for calling my name and for being so real and near to me. Thank-You for my family, thank-You for my life. Thank you for my children and for my husband. Thank-You for those who You will bring into our family. Thank You for my community where we live. Thank You for my church community and for my friendships. Thank You for my calling and for orchestrating the events of my life, for every step that has led to the next. Thank-You for the youth in my church; help me to step fully into leading them. Thank-You for growing me up in You and that You will never stop growing me up in You. I break free from my old way of thinking about how to do life. I commit myself to You, to do everything You’ve called me to be and to do. Most of all, I thank You for Your Great and Powerful Love for me and for all mankind. Help me to be all You’ve created me to be.
My dear child. Be at rest in your heart. I am surely near to you. I have drawn you with loving kindness.
Yes Papa, Your loving kindness has drawn me to You, and I am so thankful. You are the greatest desire of my heart and I can’t live without You. Thank You Jesus and Holy Spirit. Please anoint me to be and to do all you’ve called me to be and to do. Thank-You that I am Your daughter and for reviving my heart in the most unique, adventurous, and loving way. ThankYou for my siblings and their families, and for my parents who I love so much. Thank You for calling me to becoming a pastor. I want to be a pastor and to love on those who You will draw close to You through me. I love You and I commit myself to You and Your ways. Thank-You my Papa. 3:12
I love you my faithful one. You are mine. 3:15
Reflection
I didn’t realized how big my mistrust about God has been until now. Hearing other people’s examples has helped me think about my own, and I’m so thankful to have heard them. When I think back on my life, I think the root of my mistrust is my lack of self worth (God has restored a lot of it) that was caused because of my broken education (I’ve shared about that) and also not having been affirmed by my parents. I don’t remember them ever telling me that they loved me, though they did many times as an adult. About my education, I’ve always believed that I was dumb because I missed a lot of, “building on what I’ve already learned” by going up grade by grade. I think because of my broken education in my early years, it makes me think that I’m not as valuable. Because I’m not good at math, I think deep inside I still believe that I’m dumb, even though I did well in Applied math after I graduated. So because of this and knowing where God is leading me, I have had a huge mistrust with God that He could actually use me. I’ve grown in my faith about this because of the long journey I’ve had with him where he’s proven himself to me over and over again (Him being near to me) that in my own strength, I simply cannot do what he’s asking me to do (His faithfulness). The last recording I did, I did completely in Gods strength because I was so broken that day. If it wasn’t for sensing the urgency to record, I would have spent the whole day crying and probably would have lost my peace, whereas in the past, if I would have felt this way, I wouldn’t have been able to record. So God has done so much work in my heart already. Another big thing for me about mistrust is because of not knowing what authentic and real love is. Gods recent act of mercy to me speaks volumes to my heart about his love for me. I’m still emotional about it. But I have had difficulty believing his great love for me because of my low sense of self worth. So growing up, God, who is love, has always felt far away. I know in my heart that God loves me, but I think more healing is coming. I think too that what’s been difficult for me is the wrong things I’ve done in the past, and its brought my self worth down. I know that my true worth only comes from God and from Jesus dying on the cross for my sins.
Something that’s been very difficult, which began in my early twenties, is having panic attacks. And I think I began having them because of what I just shared. What would trigger panic attacks is when people would stop to talk with me (store or mall) because then we’d be face to face. I remember that as I cut people’s hair, I’d be very aware of them, probably looking at me. I’d often need to run to the bathroom in the middle of a cut, just to get myself together again. Now sometimes when I meet people, I remember how it felt and then it comes rushing back. But because I know Gods love in my heart, it mostly doesn’t happen. The place where these emotions come the strongest is at the till when I’m buying things. So when I’m at Costco waiting in line I sometimes need to work at keeping calm, thinking I’m going to meet someone I know. Because with panic attacks comes embarrassment, and then I feel that everyone is watching me while in that state of vulnerability.
Today at Shopgym right at the end, the class was done and I helped one of the other women by cleaning her hand-weights that she had used. They were black and the same size as the black kitten that I had pet in my dream. It reminded me of that. The black kitten could represent those beliefs that I talked about today. And the kitten that was laying down on the floor, which wasn’t black, could represent that I have now talked about these things, having laid them down. I can say, now that I’ve shared them, I can rest more than I did before. I wish I remembered to say these things before. I hope I don’t sound like a complicated person; I guess I’ve held all this in, all this time. So I guess that’s something I always try and cover up (least transparent in).
I went to the 6AM class this morning. I’m thinking I may go to the 6AM class often, just because I’m getting up at night to pray and it gives me a bit more sleep. On Sunday I was totally ready to put up my hand for every opportunity that may arise. What stood out to me in the sermon was that I would be tested before the day (or morning) was over and so I was ready. Then when it was asked to raise your hand to follow Jesus, I heard it deep within my spirit that this time maybe this was the time to raise my hand. But I always just have a few seconds and so I begin to panic, having thousands of thoughts rush at me at the same time; it’s almost like these thoughts and the pressure is something I can feel tangibly. After the service I had such a strong sense to talk with my pastor; Peace again was beginning to leave and I was desperate to talk with him. As I was waiting I had thoughts like, “how could he help? I had already not done what I was supposed to do.” But I couldn’t leave without talking to him. I was probably more desperate than Peter was when he began sinking in the deep water. I can’t measure that, but when I think about people who don’t have another chance and they die suddenly without knowing Jesus; the remorse they must feel afterward is gripping my heart. The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of missing God. Last week Wednesday when we were told that we would play a game, I couldn’t remember what the game was, but I’m so glad that I didn’t miss that opportunity. I was relieved when my turn was over quickly! But just like in the Top Gun movie, I need to stop trying to figure it out before saying yes; “don’t think, just do!” As leaders we need to think of course before we give an answer, but in this case I need to just jump in and trust God/Jesus that he’s got my back.. I’m praying for our town everyday and it’s like adding oil/anointing to my prayers -loosening up my tongue! Today I opened up my Bible and saw the verse I used above. Feeling like I’m back, and I’m forever Grateful! Thank-you for listening, I feel so blessed!!!! Blessings to you!!
January 9: 5:33 I awoke (and went downstairs to pray) and had these lyrics in my mind, “that I put my faith in Jesus, He’ll never let me down, faithful through generations, so why would He fail now, He won’t, He won’t! He won’t fail, He won’t!
As I was praying in the Spirit:
6:25 My daughter rise up
6:36: Corrie ten Boom
6:38 I have called you to be my disciple. Follow Me and I will make you a fisher of man.
(Yes Papa, thank-You! I believe, but help any unbelief that I have in my heart.)
6:43/44 Arise My daughter. I have called you blessed.
(Yes Papa, help me rise up to where You want me to be. Only You can bring me there; please bring me there!)
6:56 I remembered that I had a short dream where I was changing and Jesus my husband was behind me; he had walked into the room, looked at me and stopped, and said something like, “oh!”
7:25 Papa, thank You for our time together. I love You so much.
7:28 Lyrics came to my mind, “I want to break free. I want to break free!” I don’t remember who sings it but it’s a secular song (I searched it up later and it’s a song by Queen. Also, it’s neat because it’s the secular/old self that I need to break free from and put on the new -mind of Christ.
Today I spent almost the whole day on the Wellness Wednesday. I got out a red notebook; I wanted to put all the things that I sensed God wanting me to do, in there so I wouldn’t forget any of them (from the last few sermons, Wellness Wednesdays, a recording for leaders, from those who prayed for me this last Sunday. Today I made a smoothie which reminded me of the dream I had about a frog leaping into a blender; I think it means that I’ve leaped into the WW (thats what the pizza that was cut in W’s meant!) training (I haven’t made a smoothie for awhile, and because I made one today and enjoyed it while I was diving into WW, I thought it connected the two.). At first I just wanted to write down everything I had to do, but then I began sensing that I should also listen to all the lessons again (because it’s not just about doing, but to pursue God’s heart). They are so wonderful that I would write down almost everything that was said. We got a new bluetooth photo-copier so I’ll just photocopy the lists that are on the recording.
This last Sunday I was walking with Sohee to look for Bellas fanny pack and as we were walking she told me to look in the lost and found and she would look in the kiosk. I hesitated because I thought that if it was a purse or fanny pack, they wouldn’t just put it in the lost and found, but then I went to look and it was there! Walking with Sohee reminds me of one of my dreams where she was told what to do and she did it without hesitation. I’ve come to recognize the feeling of resistance, and I’m determined to do the exact opposite of what the resistance wants me to do, without even thinking about it. I’m determined to do this because I know it’s the right thing to do and also because making that decision is the hardest part, just like getting up in the morning; once I’m up, I’m up and it’s not that difficult. Hopefully soon it will become effortless! I think I think too much about what other people think, and I don’t want to mess up. In one of my dreams I gave someone 15.00, so I will give 15.00 to the piggy bank at church. I’m secretly hoping that God will make me look 15 years younger!! I’m going to Women’s Ministry, Soar, tomorrow and probably most Wednesdays. I have a necklace that has a Soar pendant on it that I got at She Speaks in 2015. Then my voice lessons are every other week at 2.00-2:30 on Wednesdays. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do between Soar and then ; probably read my Leadership book. I’m going to my moms to take her grocery shopping on Thursday. I’m so thankful to be back from the break, and I’m going up!! I’ll continue running again this week. Blessings… 🌅
January 10: Soar this morning was wonderful.. It was so good to connect with Leanne. It was also so good to go back to voice lessons! I’ve missed it and I love it! I’m at level 5. This morning I didn’t have time to put my make-up on so I have nothing on my face, not even foundation -this is the real me.. 😀I think this is what the dream meant when Jesus walked into my room:) I was going to put my necklace on with the Soar pendant but it broke this morning! I just need to tie the knot… I received a few dreams early last night; I’ll see if I can post them later today or tomorrow morning.. Many many blessings..