My Father. I was reading in the Bible today about the cost of not honouring you as holy, for Moses, and what it means to me.
What does it mean for you my daughter?
It puts me in the place of wondering how could I ever think I know better than you, wanting to direct the course of my life by trusting more in my own judgment than yours? I need my trust in you to grow so that I won’t break faith with you like Moses did. I want to be able to go into my promised land you’re leading me to. Right now I’m hesitant to write what I sense you’re saying to me because of how I’ve misunderstood you.
I know my faithful one. I understand your hesitancy, but I am here. Trust me in this journey, for this is my will for you -never give up. My daughter, come in deeper.
Father, Holy Spirit, teach me your ways and deepen my understanding about your word. I want to know you more Father. You’ve invited me so please take me -I am yours.
Come Caroline, you are mine.
Reflection:
I don’t even know how to start this reflection because of how disappointed I am with myself about not hearing the Lord correctly the other day. I couldn’t not get up early to be with him yesterday because it’s not something I have to do, it’s something I want to do because of the deep joy within me when I’m with him. But that day I had sensed a disconnect right from the beginning of my conversation with him, which was different, but I continued like I normally would do. I know the Lord is bringing me deeper into his heart, and I think there’s an added cost to this. I can’t go on like I’d normally do; I need to press into him more and search his heart before entering into a conversation with him. I also need to become disciplined in fasting, which I’m still in the flesh about.
Years ago the Lord gave me a quick picture just before waking up, and it was a shepherd and a staff. I’ve been wondering about this ever since, not fully understanding but trusting in the Lord about it. Recently I learned that the staff represents anointing. I could be wrong but if I’m not following the Lord in the calling he’s placed in my life, if I put this staff down in my immature state, I could be anointing what holds me back from following him deeper, which would cause my insecurities to grow. It makes me think about the consequences of directing my own life if I don’t grow into maturity in what he has for me. But I know the opposite is also true that if I keep holding onto it as I follow the Lord in his calling for me, I know that I’ll be more affective in my calling. I actually won’t be able to walk in my calling without it.
What helps me follow the Lord deeper in is when I remember his love. Even though there may be many times where I’ve misunderstood him in my conversations with him, I know that he’s faithful and wants me to continue so that I’ll grow in hearing his voice in my heart. What happens also during this time is that as I spend this time with him, my love for him grows and my knowing his love for me deepens, causing our intimacy to grow, and this is what spurs me on.
Something I’m so excited about is that every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, the Lord teaches me more about his word. Something in my usual bible study will catch my eye and lead me to dig deeper in and speak to me about my own life. I’ve been reading about how Moses broke his faith with God when he dishonoured God when he hit the rock with his staff instead of using his words like God had commanded. Moses had misused the anointing God had given him. So if it’s possible for someone like Moses, who spoke with God face to face, to break his faith with him, how easy could it be for me? I’m still trying to grasp the full meaning of what it means. It reminds me how holy God is and makes me want to take my shoes off when I’m in his presence. Literally I can’t because I don’t wear shoes in the house, but it’s the act of being reverent in my heart before the Lord.
I’ve been teaching lately and I’m really loving it, though I feel more like a mom when I’m teaching than an actual teacher. When I look at full time teachers, they have that persona about them that say they are teachers, and I don’t have that but I’m totally fine with it! In my grade four classroom yesterday someone’s water bottle had spilled onto the floor just before we needed to line up to go to music. I told them not to worry about it, that I’d clean it up. When I came back to the classroom they had put a lot of paper towels on the floor so I put it all in the garbage. Then about twenty minutes later I heard another teacher say the students needed to clean up after themselves because she wasn’t their maid. I know the other teacher’s right…how are they to learn to be responsible if someone isn’t keeping them accountable? I think we all need accountability, and the Lord is sure keeping me accountable in different areas of my life, which is definitely a good thing!! I love you Lord and I’m so thankful for your faithfulness!!