Father, I’ve come to understand that this wrestling in my heart is not just about what I’m sensing I need to do, the underlining root of it is about trust-falling. I’ve trust-fallen with you so many times already, so why would this time be more difficult?
Because it’s near the end. You’ve not allowed me to catch you from this height yet. Are you willing this time My daughter? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Yes, I agree that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak -yesterday what was screaming at me in my heart was to run, but I couldn’t because I know that that isn’t what I really want, yet I couldn’t move forward. I’m hoping there will be another opportunity, and if there is then yes, I’m just going to go for it because I know that your love is the reason I can trust, and I do trust.. Help me take this step of faith Father!
I will help you my dear one. You are my faithful daughter in whom I am well pleased.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails….” Surrendering and trusting in Jesus’ love.
The steps I’m taking as I walk with Jesus have not been taken lightly. Sometimes I think my steps have been a little slow, but I’d rather take slow steps and be sure of where I’m going and what I’m doing than rush into the steps I think God is leading me in and have him make me stop if they’re not right. Even though we learn through the mistakes we make, I think it’s even better to take slow but sure steps and learn as much as we can in every step before taking another one. I think every step we take with God, learning what he teaches us is the spiritual food we need to be sustained, and this helps us to take the next step. Often in my walk with the Lord in really deep waters where it seems to be the toughest, I’d often feel like a guinea pig, until I’d remember Jesus’ love for me. When I’d visualize his face and see love in his eyes, I’d remember his love, and it’s this love that’s beckoned me forward and has been the reason I’ve been able to keep walking. During my walk I had a dream one time where satan was going to diagnose me with a cancer called forgetfulness, and it’s ironic because it’s because he was going to do this that I’ve remembered many things the Lord had already told me. Knowing the enemy’s strategy and doing the opposite of what he wants has really helped me in my walk of faith; for the most part I’ve needed to remember that Jesus really does love me, and my love for him grows in these moments because I can see that I can truly trust him and trust in his love for me…
I think that when Jesus says in the Bible that the most important command is to love God with all our heart, and the second greatest commandment is to love others like we love ourselves. Loving God with all our heart requires a journey into the unknown with him because it makes us dependant on him. Becoming weary for him shows him our commitment as we grow in love, trust, and in resiliency when we don’t give up. I also think that loving others like we love ourselves isn’t difficult to do if we’re not on a journey into growing a deep and passionate love for God. Because it’s in this journey is where we learn how to love ourselves with a healthy love, loving the person who God has made us to be. When we love ourselves on a shallow level, or not loving ourselves at all (because we don’t know who we really are), it’s easy to treat others the same way as we do ourselves -not loving well. In the same way, as our love grows for the Lord and there’s a strong love relationship between us (and having a healthy love for ourselves because the Lord will have led us into healing, into knowing who we are, and will have led us into our calling), we’ll also have that love to give to others like Jesus asks us to, but it all starts with growing in a passionate love with Jesus first, because He is our true and solid foundation, and everything else comes out of that.
The last few days have been a little difficult again.. like a roller-coaster ride. I’ve only been on one in my life, at the West Edmonton mall, and I’m not planning to go on another one! Something else I’ve only done a few times is play video games. Really, I’ve only held a remote a few times. When we watch movies at home, I hardly know how to use it because the kids are always the ones who fight for it. The last few days have been a bit difficult again because I know in my heart that God still wants me to put together a sermon with two points. I had already tried about a month ago and it didn’t work. But I’m thinking that if I keep it really simple, it’ll work. I just need to remember that God loves me and he’s not setting me up to fail.
This morning I had already made up my mind that I will do what I sense God leading me to do, and I will do this because of love. This afternoon I took a nap and the Lord gave me a few dreams. In the first one I was standing near a door and my mom opened the door, walked in and stood facing me, giggling a little as she said, “Dad is home.” Then my dad, a younger version, came walking in the door and stood, facing me. He was smiling but looking down a little. I’m not exactly sure what the Lord is saying through this, but I know it’s good.. Then I had another dream where I was standing with someone in a very big building. This building didn’t feel like a home but it was in some way. To our right there was a huge room like a warehouse, where I had been and knew what it was like being there. To our left was also another huge area, hidden because the entrance was in the ceiling, an attic door, and I hadn’t been in that place before. But what was happening in my dream was, in the place where we were standing, that joined both these places, there was a lady walking towards us, and we knew she would miss-step in a square hole the size of herself, and we could see the hole a bit above us. So as she was walking towards us, I kept on looking at the hole and sure enough, I saw her shoe miss-step and she fell straight down onto the floor where she lay. She looked colourless and emotionless. I’m thinking this could represent a part of myself that has died, the emotionless part where I hadn’t allowed myself to feel. I’m so deeply relieved about that!!!
Then I looked up and saw the attic door on the ceiling right on top of the wall, and I saw that across the ceiling were door handles that led towards the attic door, and we needed to swing ourselves from one to another in order to get to the attic door. But I also had a knowing that I could also use a high ladder that would rest on the wall to get to the top, and I also visualize it. I knew that the person I was with would be there, waiting in the opened door, helping me up and through the door -I was comforted!! I also saw through a crack in the attic door, light that was shining on something that was freshly built. I’m thankful for the many ways Jesus has helped me learn new things, and I really want to learn the things he wants me to learn. A lot of it has to do with being willing and not resisting. I’m willing, and I’m going to try again..