Psalm 9:10
“Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”
Conversation
My Daddy, I love you.
I know you do, and I love you. Come my daughter.
Dad, I heard in my heart that it’s time to pack up, and I sense a “yes” in my heart. Is what I’m hearing true Daddy?
Yes my daughter, this is true.
Daddy, I’m not sure if this has something to do with me taking off my black shoes that I think represent speaking, or do they represent that my heart had been dead to feeling? I’m resting in you Lord to lead me into knowing what you mean when you say I need to pack up.
My sweet daughter, you are loved. Don’t strive.
Thank-you Daddy, thank-you Holy Spirit for your deep work in my heart. I owe you my life and I give you my life over and over again. You have my devotion and I will follow you all the days of my life.
Reflection
Hey everybody, hope you’re well! I’m cooking black beans and rice for supper tonight. My husbands friend’s coming over later today and he’ll be helping my husband cut down the branches of two trees on our yard, and then sometime in the next few weeks someone who does it for a living will be coming and cutting down the rest of the two trees and whatever branches they don’t get today. The purpose is so that we’ll have more space to park our vehicles. Today Lucas is going with one of his friends to the Bombers game:)
This morning I woke up at 3:00 and heard the lyrics from the song Perfectly Loved, “You’re not a mistake.” I’ve never thought of myself as being a mistake because my parents planned to have me, but as I was thinking about it I know that this is what’s been “over me” for a long time. This could be one of the reasons why I’ve had such a low sense of value. If the Lord had not made this known to me I would not have realized that that was what I was believing. So I come against this lie in the name of Jesus and I declare that I am not a mistake. I have value because God has given me value and I am made in his image. So I break that lie off of me in Jesus name and I declare that I’m free from it. Thank-you Lord I praise your name!
Last night I dreamt that I was in a public building and there were many people walking around. I had just come from upstairs, teaching a class, and was walking towards the refreshment area to buy myself a cappuccino. As I was walking I saw my main pastor walking into the big “hall” where people were lounging and talking and walking around. As I was walking towards the coffee counter to make an order, I looked down and saw that the wide cloth strings on my long beige skirt had come undone. It had two thinner strings too but the thicker ones needed to be put into a bow. They didn’t have a lot of length so after I did the first part (half of a knot) I thought that was fine and didn’t finish putting it into a bow. Then I was standing in front of the counter to place my order when I saw two light brown sheets of wood that were nailed in front of the two windows -it was nailed shut -I was surprised! Then I looked to my left and saw my main pastor and someone else sitting on the counter right next to me, facing the other direction so I saw their backs. If I’d interpret this without giving it more time, I think it means that the two separate coffee windows are nailed shut, and I’m hoping it means that there will just be one opened window instead because of unity and a connection that was made. Right after I dreamt this dream I woke up with these words in my heart, “He needs to make that connection.”
Then after going to the gym (I did Sumo deadlifts and I really like these better because they’re easier on my back!), I took a few hours nap -I was so tired! I dreamt that I was standing in my friends room. I had a sense that we were living in some kind of community building. I had been living with her so this had been our room, but in my dream I looked around and noticed that she had moved a few things out. I looked at an empty wall and saw that her dresser was missing and I asked her what happened to it, and she said she moved it into the room where she was now staying in, which was diagonally across the hallway from where we were. I looked around the room and noticed that her other bigger furniture was also gone so I knew that they had been placed in her new room. Then I had a knowing that she was moving because I was going to be away for a bit. It was an understanding moment. I vaguely saw her in her new room, snuggling with her teddy:) The first thing I think about when I think about her is that she’s single. In my life I’ve felt alone for many many years, but God is drawing me closer to him. I don’t feel alone anymore because God has lead me to finally believe in love, believe in heaven.
Then I was walking north, from Steinbach, on hwy 12. (12:)) As I was going north on the one way I looked to my left and saw my friend on the one way going south and there was no snow on the road. I saw that I had left some of the things I had been using on the highway and I yelled and asked her if she could bring it back to where we were living, and she said yes. Then I saw that there were about 3 black boxes that my husband uses for work to stand on for height, on the highway too, but by then it was a little too late to ask if she could bring those back too so I thought I’d just continue to walk/run to my hometown and get my vehicle and come and pick them up and bring them back myself. Then I saw on the highway a really huge mound of snow. As I was climbing up to go over it I looked more into the pile of snow and saw that there were a few tables in a room and saw two empty wine glasses. It was dark in the room and knew there was no-one inside. I had also seen that the whole mound of snow was covering the whole section of highway so there was no way anyone could drive past this.
Another part of my dream, because I didn’t live in my friends room anymore, I had gone to another area of the building and was standing in a sewing room. I vaguely remember that there was a pile of pieces of cloth that I saw. I saw the emptiness of the room and knew I didn’t have a bed. Then someone that worked in that room was overjoyed and said out loud, something like, “and guess who’s here, or guess who’s in the room.” And what he was referring to were two or three people who had fun costumes on; I don’t remember what costumes they were but they were animal characters from movies. It reminds me of when I was getting my wig and hat from church, there was someone who needed a plastic bag to put his own stuff in after he changed into his costume, so I (feeling bad but was going to put them back), carefully dumped a bag of pieces of cloth that were in a plastic bag, into one of the bins that were there. We had planned afterward to put the pieces of cloth back into the bag. Afterward the leader there said he’d do it so I hope he remembered! The reason I remembered about the pieces of cloth is because of the bible verse, John 20: 5 where John bent over and looked into the tomb Jesus had been put into and only saw the strips of linen where Jesus’ body had been. I think that Jesus is raising me back to life too. I think that my whole life is about waking up and becoming more alive as I pursue Jesus and follow where he leads. I think that being at the Forks represents that a connection has been made; that I have been found and that I have found Jesus -my heart has been woken up to knowing and believing in love/heaven. As I watched a wedding video yesterday I could see that they were in love, I could see it and recognize it because it’s been woken up in me (for Jesus) too. I’ve felt love for him for a long time already, but God has a way of enabling my heart’s capacity to love deeper. For the longest time I had quit believing that true love exists and thought it was just wishful thinking. Now I know different and I’m so thankful.
Something I had forgotten about was a story about someone who had a really sad story. For most of her married years the only way she thought she’d survive was to numb her feelings. She thought if she didn’t feel, then she’d be okay. Then as the years went by this became the norm, something she’d automatically do without thinking about it. Every time she did this, she buried herself away a little more. So sad! I’m praying for God’s heart of compassion for others.
The other thought about when an option was presented and I didn’t feel any pressure, this is what my heart needs because it releases me and gives me freedom to decide about it. And because of the gentle prompting through it, it draws me to do what was asked. It draws me to trust and follow. It softens my heart and my love grows because I’m drawn to trust and follow.
One last quick dream is, I saw one of my brother-in-laws sitting on a couch, and I was standing behind the couch so he his back was facing my direction. He had his arm resting on the back-rest I think, or it was slightly resting downward on his side I’m not sure, but I saw a spider on his arm; he had a long sleeved shirt on. Then I think he noticed it and moved his arm and the spider ran down onto the couch. Then it came back as a really big, grey, harry Tranchila. I think it began climbing onto his arm again. It was the size of a persons head (body and legs). There was someone with me but I didn’t see who it was. Spiders represent feelings of being trapped or hopelessness. Or powerful insecurities that prevent you from doing what you want in life. Okay, I’m really insecure about something that came back when the Lord began healing my feelings. I used to get panic attacks and get embarrassed in public settings, so I avoided public settings as much as possible. While taking an inner healing class many years ago I was prayed for and soon afterwards I stopped taking anti-depressants, and I was never embarrassed in public again since then. Lately when I get nervous I begin sweating and then I worry and begin to get embarrassed, but I haven’t gotten any panic attacks yet. I feel hopeless about this emotional fight but I wouldn’t let this stop me from speaking. Yesterday and today have been so busy that I haven’t run my 4k this week:( I did sumo deadlifts this morning. I find them a lot easier than the traditional way and will be doing them from now on instead. Anyway, I’ve been trying to finish my writing all day it seems.. I hope you’ll all have a wonderful weekend! Blessings!!