1 Peter 2:24,” He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.”
Conversation
Papa, I love You. Thank-You for Your wisdom. Thank-You for the way You’ve chosen, that my failures have become stepping stones of growing in trust. If I had no failures, then how could I ever learn to trust? Please forgive me for the pride in my heart; before I was made accountable, I thought I was a pretty good person and didn’t know my desperate need of You like I do now. I’m so thankful for accountability!!
I love you My daughter.
Papa thank-You for Your patience with me. I don’t deserve the life You’ve chosen for me, but I accept it with a deeply grateful heart. Please lift me out from where I am; help me to leave my old way of living so that I can follow You into the new. I believe that I am ready. Help any unbelief I have in my heart because I want to begin running into my promised land..
My daughter come, we are nearly there.
Papa, I trust You, that You will lead me there. I give You the insecurity I have about myself, and I’m trust-falling, knowing that you are trustworthy Jesus… I give you myself, my imperfections and all, and I humbly present myself to you.
You are Mine, My faithful one, and I love you.
Thank-You Papa.
Reflection
Hello and welcome to today’s page in my journal! The Lord wakes me up most nights at certain times after He’s given me a dream, which I sometimes don’t know the meaning of but other times I do, and it’s such a great comfort to my heart. I absolutely love sharing what God is doing in my heart, hoping it’ll inspire you to spend time with God everyday and grow the most fulfilling relationship with Him. For the past while God has been taking me through a spiritual shower, over and over again; I believe that He’s preparing me for what’s coming up next. He’s purifying my heart first so that I’m clean before Him, and also so there’s nothing holding me back from following Him with my whole heart. It also clears the way to hear God better when there’s no mess in the way of where God is leading me to walk. I also record the times when God says something to me because even in that, there’s meaning; I don’t want to miss anything that God has for me and is saying to me.
January 29: 1:31 In my dream I looked up and saw Jesus my husband very clearly. I was in a small room and saw that Jesus had just walked into the room I was in (YES!!! -meaning my heart is open in trust and I’ve allowed him in!!) I had been looking at something like some kind of food items sitting on a counter, and when I looked up, he was stepping to the side (I vaguely saw someone kind of in front of him but it was like they were transparent, so I could continue to see all of Jesus), yet in plain sight -about 2-4 feet away from me. I could have dreamt this a few minutes earlier, but when I could get through my sleepiness enough to look at the time, I saw it was 1:31, and I immediately got up and went downstairs to pray. This time as I was spending time with God I was so tired that I kept on falling asleep. So after about an hour or 1.5 hours I went back up to sleep and went to Shopgym for 6:00.
In the evening I lay down to rest and ended up sleeping for about two hours. After they were done watching something, Lucas and Bella both played their saxophone’s but I kept on sleeping, I was so tired. I had a dream that gives me hope! I dreamt that there was a pond that was frozen. I had a knowing that I had put something into the water that caused the pond to freeze quicker. Then I was on the ice and the ice began to break, so I needed to quickly go off the ice and I did. Maybe the pond represents my heart and it’s softening towards God and His will for my life; I’m actually beginning to believe God about who He says I am, and I’m beginning to trust Him with the rest of my life. (I just found a small brown heart on my desk that was tucked in kind of underneath my folder and Bible; it looks like it came from the inside of a peanut shell.) If this represents my heart, then I’m surprised because I thought I had agreed already with God’s will for my life, but maybe it needed to sink into my heart so that it wasn’t just head-knowledge. So if this is my heart then I’m so deeply thankful that it’s melting; I want my heart to be a passionate one so that everything I do, I do because of my passionate love for God!! I’m praying that God will help me see the path forward so that I can walk into the fullness of what God has. It has been hard, thinking about what others will think of me as I follow Jesus, but deep in my heart I know it doesn’t matter what others think. I want to do amazing things for God and have a passionate relationship with Him, doing His work! This has been my desire all my life, even though I had no idea how to get to that place. I still don’t know how to get to that place and I’m actually glad because then I’d want to take control and do it my way, which I don’t really know what my way is -actually I do know… God knows how to get through the maze and I’m depending on Him to get get me there. These are my words, and I hope they reflect my heart. I’ve learned in my journey with Jesus that I really have no idea what’s in my heart, and it’s only been through the Holy Spirit revealing to me what my heart looks like that I actually know what’s in my heart and what’s needed to change; what I needed to get rid of so that I could make room for God.
The Holy Spirit has been so thorough! and I feel loved by His thoroughness. God wants to be known and we need to be known because it’s only through being known and being loved despite what is known that we actually know deep in our heart that we are loved and accepted. I know now that I am genuinely loved. I’ve been learning to hear God’s voice for others as I pray for them, which is a witness to my heart that I can actually hear God. I will, with all my heart, be sensitive to the Holy Spirit as I need to make quick decisions and listen to God/Jesus’ voice and do what is being asked. I know that even though it’ll be difficult, it’s okay, I’m going to trust God and obey His voice; I know these are the keys that will get me to where God is leading. Often in the moment it’s never clear to me about the importance of doing what is being asked, so I will pray, please God, help me! Help me God to see the path forward, and help me not to worry about what others say. It’ll cost me my reputation, but that’s okay because I know that I’m following my God, my Holy Creator. It’ll cost me what I was never meant to be in the first place. It’ll cost me my life, but in exchange with God’s life for me which I love!! God brought me here exactly at the time that He did so that I would be ready for this exact time and place. I want to be a pastor, an prophet, an evangelist! WOW!!! Me? Not me, HIM in me! I’m comforted being in his presence, thank-You My Papa. I had a wonderful time on Sunday, but I have to admit something, that when they were going to give me two potatoes, I asked for only one:( Then later I was thinking about it and I thought of what it could represent so I went back and asked for another one, and I was so full afterward!! Also, when it was asked to share phone-numbers to pray for our communities, I looked around and saw everyone was uncomfortable doing that and they began talking about something else; I have to admit that I was also uncomfortable doing that, and of course afterward I wish I would have. I’m really hoping and praying that I’ll be able to follow better from now on.. One of the people in my group is a lady from Women’s Ministry, and if it’s not too late I can still ask her.. I say yes, I don’t know how I can be more thankful than I am right now… to be known and to be loved at the same time. On Sunday as I was standing in the front worshiping, I could feel the Holy Spirit so strong and began shaking. Then I felt my legs shaking more and felt like they were getting weak. I stood a bit more but then I went on my knees and soon lay completely on the floor, continuing to shake! I thought, who’s this crazy lady on the floor, undignified like David in the Bible! But I believe this represents that I’ve fully submitted to the work of the Holy Spirit in my life and His leading, and now the only way is up!
January 30: This morning I woke up just after 5 and went downstairs to pray; 5:37 “Come Alive in the name of Jesus, come alive in the name of Jesus. This is a house of miracles! Everything in the name of Jesus, everything in the name of Jesus, this is the house of miracles..”
Oh Papa, please Holy Spirit, come and wake me up! Come and melt my heart for You. I believe in You but help my unbelief! I trust in You but help my mistrust! I love You; help me to love You more and truly allow You to be the King of my heart.
5:44 Come My darling, and rest beside quiet waters; you are Mine.
Oh Papa, I am Yours alone. There is no one like You. Please be the King of my heart and help me follow you with my whole heart, wherever You want to go, I will follow.
5:48 Trust Me.
6:01 I love You Papa, please show me Your heart. I’m seeking You with all that I am, but please help me to seek You more than I know how to. If the frozen pond represents my heart or unbelief in my heart about who You created me to be or about Your love for me, please take me there; please lead me to know these things deep in my heart.
6:07 I will help you my daughter.
I will obey Your commands Papa, please give me grace and help me follow You. I belong to You Papa, not myself, so I will follow You because then I’m following the One who loves me the most! I want to connect with you Jesus so I will be brave like You and put my full weight on You Papa!
This Friday morning we’ll be taking Lucas to SAC. A Judicator will be there to listen to piano students and evaluate their performance! Then I’m meeting my three sisters at Good Earth around noon to celebrate one of my sisters’ birthday. On Saturday I’m planning on being at church and listening to speakers. I may volunteer from 10-12 at the World Cafe. Blessings…