“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” Psalm 33:20-22
Conversation
Papa, I love You. Thank-You for who You are. Thank-You that You are a God of love, that You are Love. Thank-You for writing my story to include so much adventure. A lot of it has been painful, but it’s been filled with Your Righteous and Holy ways. I am content in Your presence.
My faithful daughter, I love you. Come, today is a new day for you. (The old has passed away. I am a new creation in Christ. Today I’m a christian.)
Papa, I embrace this new life You’re giving me and leading me into. It’s completely different than the life I’ve known. I feel like I’m about to start living!!
Come My darling, rest.
Papa I’m thinking about this weekend. I’m so glad that I get to be part of this!
I am too:)
Please help me to step out and speak when I feel led to. Make me brave!
My daughter, I will be right beside you (right with you).
Papa, I’m hoping this weekend will be victorious where You will help me do everything You ask me to do.
I will surely help you My daughter. You are Mine.
Reflection
Hello and welcome to my Journal. Life in the valley can be very difficult, but we need to remember that God is always faithful. Right now I’m in a valley, being tested and pruned so that in God’s time I’ll be ready to walk out of this valley, Victorious! What I’ve been doing so I don’t stay in a place of despair is spending time with God and crying out to Him because I know He hears me and He loves me. I’m keeping on doing what He’s already asked me to do. I’m clinging onto hope because God is my firm foundation. God is faithful and I know that He will never let me down, and I’m going to stay faithful to Him. He has shown me His faithfulness more times than I can count, and I know His love through that. God gives me dreams and wakes me up at certain times. As you read my journal my hope is that even though I’m in a valley in my life, I hope you will be inspired to always keep your heart open to God no matter what’s going on in your life, because God is a God of Love and He always has a Good plan for our life. He knows how to lead us; we just need to trust Him and follow Him!
8:05 “Here in the Fathers house. Oh, lay your burdens down.” I saw a digital time going from 4:14 to 4:15 (When I got back from Shopgym I took a nap. I’m wondering, can I actually take naps when I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep? Or does this mean not forgetting what my instructions are? Today I”m taking soup to my neighbour. I’m praying for my neighbours, not everyday but very often.
This morning these lyrics are in my heart, “I’m gonna face my giants, with confidence.” (I’m not a warrior, I’m still afraid to lose. I still feel unqualified for what You’re calling me to do. Though with Your strength, I’ve got no excuse, cause broken people are exactly who You use. So give me faith like Daniel in the lions den. Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness. Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defence, so I can face my giants, with Confidence. You took a shepherd boy, and made him a king. So I’m gonna trust You and give You everything. I’ll be a conqueror, cause You’ll fight for me. A big champion claiming all victory. I’m gonna sing and shout and shake the wall, won’t stop until I see it fall. I’m gonna stand up step up when You call, Jesus, Jesus! So give me faith like Daniel in the lions den. Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness. Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defence, so I can face my giants, with Confidence. I’ll face my giants with confidence..
The boy in the dream I had the other night looked like he had just woken up, like it was morning. This week I’ve been fasting sugar. I’ve not called it a fast, just sensed not to, but I think I’m officially going to call it a fast and fast from sugar at least for two weeks, maybe more. Lucas has a job interview today at 4:00! This is my 613th post!! I’m hoping I don’t need to cut my hair again. Blessings…
May 25: 7:01 I awoke hearing these lyrics in my heart, “When I awoke, from my sleep, oh my love she’s beautiful, she’s apart of me, she’s my wife…” Today went really well. I had such an amazing time. I shared my testimony today with two people and I prayed with three people (one couple, two actually but one of the husbands wasn’t part of the conversation ). I’m tired but I’m looking forward for tomorrow! I’m revising my testimony but it’s a bit difficult because I can’t say it plainly like how it really is. I Tomorrow I’m at the North End Campus again.. I’m thinking that I’m fasting from sugar at home; because I sense from the Lord to eat certain things when I’m at church and some of those things are sweet. Blessings… 🙏🏼
May 26: 2:23 In my dream I was in the drivers seat of our truck, driving into a parking lot beside a minivan. I drove too close to it so I needed to make a very sharp right turn, which I did, in order to park beside it. I think my truck slightly touched the van as I was parking beside it. My kids and their dad were in the back seat, talking; I could hear their dad talking. Then I wanted to back up and park a bit further away so I put it in reverse and tried backing up, but the truck slid sideways into the van, pressing into it. (Naturally I couldn’t have slid sideways into the van; this can only have been done by God.) Then I was looking at the side of the van and saw that the handle was crushed and a bit sideways into the door of the van, and around the handle was crushed (so the handle was broken and not usable.) I was wondering if it had already been crushed before the truck slid into it (I was hoping it wasn’t my fault.). I looked to see if there was more damage, and I saw a long dent where my truck had been pushed into it. I wasn’t sure if the van had already been damaged before my truck had pressed into it. I wasn’t sure if it was because of me.
Then I saw there was some stuff on the floor by the drivers side (a paper I think with other small things), and I took it all with both of my hands and was lifting it away from underneath the pedals to put on the floor of the passenger side; I didn’t want it to get stuck underneath the pedals. There was someone sitting in the passenger side beside me, and I sensed it was Lucas. I was going to back up and park better; I had my hand on the automatic gear thing and was putting it into reverse. I saw that the van beside us had the side windows (3) covered (a light beige colour), and I saw faintly through it that there was someone sitting in the passenger seat. I think this dream has something to do with this weekend. I saw many windows that were boarded shut. I’m not sure what it would mean that I parked too close and that I had damaged the vehicle. The handle on it wasn’t usable; it made the person that was sitting in the passenger side locked in. In another short dream I saw a boy fall/slide under a table that had no chairs around it. I didn’t see anything on the table. Have a wonderful day today, Blessings…
I had a really good day.. I got to pray for people as we went door to door. It was such an amazing experience! I shared my testimony in front of the congregation, yay, and I think it went well. I’m so glad to have my testimony ready in my mind so that I’d be able to share it in any given moment. I have a feeling like I should have raised my hand during the sermon. I’m praying that God would lead my heart to be more ready… because when my heart is ready, I will be able to follow in spontaneous moments even without thinking about it. I’m more at rest about this whole process, trusting in God. I’ve registered for the next Missions event, June 21-23. I’m volunteering for the World Cafe next Sunday. Goodnight!!
May 27: 3:56/57 “…she’s beautiful, she’s apart of me, she’s my wife…”
5:20 I woke up with my alarm and had dreamt that there were people who were looking for us, chasing us because we had something they wanted. At one point I hid it in my pocket and was thinking to hide it deeper in an inner pocket. I’m thinking this has something to do with the weekend of evangelizing.
Then as I was falling back asleep I saw a quick picture of a crown of thorns. I only saw part of the crown of thorns. I saw long brown nails together and some sticking up. This reminds me that I’ve given God my life and that my life is a sacrifice for Him. So I got up and got ready for Shopgym.
At Shopgym I’m not going to be lifting heavy for a little while, to give my back time to heal. They have a machine I used instead of using the bar for back squats. I think these squats are called belt squats; there’s a belt I put around my waist that’s hooked onto the machine. I can add the weight I want on both sides and then I squat. The weight I had on it was 110lbs. It’s good because it doesn’t put pressure on my spine. Instead of running I’m using the rower. My back feels a lot better, but I’m thinking to only begin running again next week. My focus at Shopgym is to strengthen my lower back before doing anything heavy again.
Two weekends from now is the Fair here in town. Last year I was walking around both days and I’m dreading it. Lucas and Bella will be together more this year so I won’t need to stay there all the time. Saturday we’re volunteering for the church event both slots and will go to the fair afterwards. I’m gonna get through this, so help me God… it’s gonna be alright, I’m gonna be okay.. I took a nap this morning.. I really needed to. Today I’m resting, listening to spirit filling worship music… I’m so glad to be able to listen to them. I always knew you could be like this; It’s hard, but I want God to change me so that I can be who God created me to be.
Early this morning these lyrics were in my mind, “If I’ve got Jesus, then I’ve got all I’ll ever need, then I’ll be okay.” Jesus is becoming so real to me!
“Here’s my life, Jesus I’m living for You. You have it all, my heart and soul. All that I am, surrendered into Your hands.” This evening I may go to Costco. “Im out on the winds and I’m hoping and praying, please let this wind blow me home…” I filled out the application to volunteer for all the mission weekends.. In my heart, I love it! Into faith I go! Sometimes it takes a valley to find an Everest of faith. When I saw my pastor on the screen, being on the stage I felt homesick! I feel home there.. I’m wondering if I need to brush cut the sides of my head? It’ll be hard but of course I’ll do it. I’m going higher, stepping up where Jesus is calling me! Love and blessings…
May 28: 6:42 “He who began a good work in you..”
6:49 “Come My daughter, I have called you by name. You are Mine.”
6:50 “Papa, help me come. I can’t come on my own, it’s impossible. You need to enable me to come. So help me have the right heart posture if that’s what it is, and enable me to come. I want to come into the light and stay in the light.”
7:14 “Come My daughter, it’s time.”
7:15 “I’m coming Papa.”
7:20 “I’m never gonna let you down.”
7:27 “Papa, I trust You, that You will be with me and will keep me safe wherever You lead me to go.”
7:34/7:35 “I’m coming Papa…”
7:45 “All praise to God the Father, all praise to Christ His Son. All praise to the Holy Spirit, our God has overcome. Our God who was and is and evermore will be, in Jesus mighty name, I believe.”
I woke up after 4:00 sometime last night and I sensed the Holy Spirit say “come,” but I looked at the time and wished it was later and I fell back asleep! 😭 My heart is grieved over it. My love for Jesus is great, and I know it will only grow…❤️🔥❤️🔥 The truck engine light is on and I’m a bit worried about driving it tomorrow. I was planning on going to Soar tomorrow, then to Costco, then to voice lessons in the afternoon and then to Youth in the evening. I’m thinking to minimize the driving and save it for Youth.. I cut one of Coco’s nails too short and now it’s bleeding a lot:( I bandaged it up by wrapping a long medical cloth around it. Hopefully she doesn’t try and get it off at night. Good night…
May 28: 6:42 “He who began a good work in you..”
6:49 “Come My daughter, I have called you by name. You are Mine.”
6:50 “Papa, help me come. I can’t come on my own, it’s impossible. You need to enable me to come. So help me have the right heart posture if that’s what it is, and enable me to come. I want to come into the light and stay in the light.”
7:14 “Come My daughter, it’s time.”
7:15 “I’m coming Papa.”
7:20 “I’m never gonna let you down.”
7:27 “Papa, I trust You, that You will be with me and will keep me safe wherever You lead me to go.”
7:34/7:35 “I’m coming Papa…”
7:45 “All praise to God the Father, all praise to Christ His Son. All praise to the Holy Spirit, our God has overcome. Our God who was and is and evermore will be, in Jesus mighty name, I believe.”
May 29: 11:05: I dreamt that Jesus my husband came to my house, and then I saw that my mom and dad were peaking into my room, looking at us with approval and smiling, enjoying seeing us together. ❤️🔥❤️🔥
I dreamt that it was a sunny day and I was in beautiful blue/clear water. I saw out of the corner of my eye that there was a house right on the water, and I was standing close to it; I sensed I had walked through a door and this is why I was able to be in the water. I saw a wave coming towards us, but I think it was a good wave.
12:21/22 “I’d climb every mountain, swim every ocean, just to be with you, and fix what I’ve broken. Cause I need you to see, that you are the reason…”
12:47 “I’ve got Jesus, I’ll be okay, cause I’ve got Jesus.
1:30 (I planned to write my dream and I must have fallen asleep:(
3:52 If I’ve got Jesus
4:41 Come
4:45 My darling, it’s time
Papa, please help me come…
4:46 I will help you.
5:06 “My darling, it’s time…”
5:07 Yes Papa, I want to come
5:08 “Then come”
5:10/5:11 “I’m gonna see you again…”
May 30: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” -Philippians 4:13
6:17 Papa, why do I even try? Why do I even hope?
Because I love you
6:25 “don’t give up on me yet”
6:37 “I’ve come so far but I’ve got so far to go. And these brand new scars and this broken heart to really hard to know. If there’s a reason and if I’ll ever see it. But I wanna believe it, don’t give up on me yet, please God, don’t give up on me. His grace will never run out.”
6:48/49 “Hope” “Heres my life, let it be a living sacrifice. All that I am, surrendered into hands, I surrender…” (No matter where, no matter when, Lord I will go, where you want me to go. Holy Spirit fill me, overwhelm me. Holy Spirit use me, for Your glory.)
I lay my life down on Your alter. I want Your will and nothing less. This is the death of my ambitions. I know Your ways are always best. I leave my heart open, open to You. I’m holding back nothing, nothing from You. This is the start of resurrection, when new beginnings come from death. I’m going to trust You with my future. Lord I surrender to Your plan. Take my life and let it be, a Holy offering. Here I am Lord all of me, I surrender everything. (Open -LO Worship) Today the Lord took me on an emotional journey from feeling hopeless to having hope again. The song spotify was already on was “Gonna be alright, then every song until Yet, then Open.
There’s something that I don’t believe that you may believe; I keep hearing from people that love is not a feeling but an action. I believe that love is both a feeling and an action; If God is love, that means He’s the most passionate being in all the universe. For a lot of my life I was as good as dead to feeling, and God has woken me up to be able to feel again. I can actually feel love. I feel loved and I know what it feels like, to love. Because I feel love is why it hurts so much afterwards when it becomes clear to me that I didn’t follow Jesus. Anyway, this is just something that I’ve been thinking about. I’m subbing tomorrow afternoon for kindergarten, and then for grade one on May 4th for the whole day. Tonight Lucas has his band concert. I now know what the wave is, and believe me I felt it today.. I listened to Christine Kane where she was talking about the Olive trees and how the roots go down deep and connect with each other in order to thrive during drought seasons. I’m encouraged again and solid with wanting to follow Jesus… As Christine Kane said, we need to go through crushing in order to be able to have any influence in the world. I so desperately need God’s anointing, so because of this, I’m thankful for the crushing. Many blessings and love…
May 31: 12:06 “I need Thee oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee. Bless me now my Saviour, I come to Thee.” (I need thee every hour)
5:17 I heard in my heart, “fall on your feet.”
1:58 (I think) “I’ve come so far but I’ve got so far to go”
4:19 “I’ve come so far but I’ve got so far to go”
5:43 Someone was given something to eat (a small round thing.. communion?), and as soon as they put it into their mouth, they were in another world/getting a vision about something.
5:57 I heard someone say “5:19.”
I had a dream about the house we lived in, here in town. We could get into the entrance through the back or front door, and there was a door between the back entrance and the front. If you’d come from the back, there were a set of stairs leading up to the front entrance that also had a door. Right on the top step of that there was an opening where the cats would go into (a small dark underground area with gravel) to have their kittens. I went into it when I was really little; the opening wasn’t very big. In my dream Bella was in front of me, as grown up as she is now, and she was telling me that she was all done with going in there. It was a happy moment and her mind was set that she was done going in there. To me this means that I used to have a mindset of wanting to hide, but I don’t anymore, and that I’m done with that!
Another dream I had was, I was in a big bedroom that had a really big king size bed. The bed was so big that it needed two box springs; a king sized one and a single one going across at the foot of the bed. Around the bed was a lower area that was kind of part of the bed, but wasn’t where we’d sleep. In my dream I was walking on it, and I noticed that the bed was kind of to one side of the room. One side was closer to the wall and it didn’t have a lamp so I noticed it was a bit darker on that side (in waking life my kids dad sleeps on that side/left side). Then I was noticing the curtains. The bed was made up neatly and I was putting the curtains nicely. On each side I was putting the curtains over the window a little so it looked nice. I have a feeling like they were brown curtains, which is one of the colours we have right now. In my dream this wasn’t my room, but it was the room I had used (like a hotel), and I was putting things nice because it was time to leave. I think the middle part of the big window was covered by sheer curtains, but this wasn’t the focus so I’m not sure. I also felt in my dream that this was an expensive room. Or this could represent our journey where we have been intimate spiritually together, and now we can finally go home?
In this dream I was in a really big room with other people, and the outer wall was one big long window. I had a feeling like we were high up in a high-rise, and it was night. Then there was a train going across like we were on the ground, and people started to talk about it. I heard one person say that they hadn’t seen one car. I was hiding behind a white pillar in the room, afraid of the train, thinking that it would shoot at me. Then I walked to the door, opened it and looked out. I was people walking around like it was a mall, but I don’t think I left the room. I’m thinking about the one car that wasn’t there (the compartments that make up the train are called cars? It was one of these that was missing). What comes to mind is pulling the wagon during the mission weekend. I signed up to do the next three, but maybe only one more is needed before it’s complete? Or a Train of thought? (CS Lewis) I went onto Instagram this morning and I read something about a train of thought by CSL. I’m wondering if there’s something that I haven’t shared that I need to share from my past? (didn’t see one car) I can’t think of anything else, so if this is what it means then the Holy Spirit will need to remind me. If this is the case then I’m hoping I can get this done by the weekend before Sunday.
Thinking I don’t need to get another short haircut? I”m subbing this afternoon. My kids are going to the Kids Rock Appreciation tomorrow.. I went to Shopgym on Wednesday but because of my back, I didn’t do deadlifts but did the next activity which is why I wasn’t in the video. I sensed not to go today because of my back; I did some stretches that have already helped, so I can walk more normally now. I’m thinking to sit more up front (second row) in the middle section this Sunday. I’m not sure if God wants me to, so I’ll do what I sense to do.. Love and Blessings…
June 1 12:59/1:00 If I’ve got Jesus, I’ll have more than I’ll ever need, and I’ll be alright.. if I’ve got Jesus.” I was asleep for about 15 min when I awoke, and as I was getting up to write (I had wanted to write before falling asleep), I had these lyrics singing in my heart.
I have just been through another crushing, and I have so much joy in my heart because I’ve got Jesus, and I know deep in my heart that I’ll be alright. It’s true! I do feel like I’m in another world!; I believe that Jesus, Gods One and only Son, is finally the King of my heart!!!! Tonight, as soon as I heard the person say that I was the Cheese man, I could not stay there. It was only afterwards that I saw that the colour was yellow which reminded me about bananas… I’m hoping and praying that now I’ll be able to follow right away… My heart is comforted because I have Jesus, and I’m so thankful!!!!! I have a peace in my heart that I’ve never had before. I’m going to sit in the second from the front row. We took one of the leaders home. I connected with her at the game table and told her she can call me anytime to talk or if she needs prayer; we talked about marriage and about her waiting for the right person who God will put in her path. I told her that even though it’ll be difficult, it will be so worth waiting for the right one. I’m so blessed and feel (and know deep in my heart) that I’m loved deeply, and I love Jesus deeply… ❤️🔥❤️🔥
2:35 I had a dream that my brother and I said the same thing at the same time, a whole long sentence, and the sentence had the words, “with me” at the end. means, “Ruler of the home.” In my dream I was amazed that we were saying the same thing, as we were saying it. I’m so desperate for God to sit on the throne of my heart. I hope He is, and it’s not something I can make happen; God needs to make this happen. Jesus PLEASE, come and sit on the throne of my heart! I’m so very desperate for You! I confess that I’ve been sitting in it but I don’t want to anymore! Please come, forgive me from this horrible sin. Come and fill my heart with Your presence; I want to follow You! If I’m still sitting on the throne of my heart, enable me to come off, because it was never meant for me to sit in. I’m desperate for You. I’m waiting for You Jesus to do Your work in me.
4:27 Something about a park
6:11 I had already woken up, and as I lay there about to get up, I got a picture of Jesus my husband sitting in a car by himself (parked), in the drivers seat. I could see the whole side of the car as I stood there, looking at him. I was standing on his side of the car. I’ve been thinking about this today, and I think this is showing my heart, that I’m parked. I’m not going to stay parked, but will get up at four if God wakes me up. I’ve just been so tired..
6:53 Come, rest
Please Papa, make me ready… I’m so desperate for You!
6:55 Come, I will enable you
6:59 “I have a plan” (I am for you, not against you.)
7:00 “Come”
7:02 “It’s time”
7:13 Papa, I’m trying, please don’t give up on me yet… I don’t know how I can be crushed even more than I already am.
7:22 Papa, please help me see.
7:24 Jesus, You are my living hope. I put my trust in You.
7:49 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
Yesterday at work, the first person I began praying for when we started BLESS, was telling me about how her ankle was so sore, and that it’s been a problem for a long time. So I asked her if I could pray for her, and she was so surprised and said yes so I prayed for her. I’m actually expecting God to heal her, but if He doesn’t, I was faithful and did my part! Blessings…
June 2: 4:21 “We’re gonna get through this, so help me God!” I dreamt about bubbles floating up into the air.
4:28 “cut” I was going to get up at 4:21 but fell asleep. (14)
4:47 Papa, I trust You with my journey. I trust You even if I can’t do what You want me to do today. I’ve fallen so many times, but every time, You caught me and helped me up again. I’m reminded about Your love.
4:53 oh Papa,
Never give up
Please forgive me
4:55 I forgive you My daughter (14)
5:02 “I keep my heart open, open to You… I’m holding back nothing, nothing from You…” (I heard this these lyrics in my heart.)
5:05 hope
5:-2 Papa, my heart is open to You, to Jesus… ThankYou for not giving up on me.
5:14 “I love you Caroline. I’m holding back nothing, nothing from you.”
5:16 “Take my life and let it be, a Holy offering.
5:17 Papa, I am Yours. I am Yours. I am Yours. Forgive me for momentarily parking.
5:20 I love you My daughter. Come, you are Mine.
5:21 Forgive me Papa.
I forgive you. Come, it’s time.
5:22 Papa, thank You, I’m coming.
5:39 I was resting and had fallen asleep slightly when I dreamt about some Youth girls, and there was a question about the sun, “where is the sun”?
5:44 Come my darling, it’s time. I will help you. You are Mine.
I’m holding back nothing from You Papa. When it comes time to follow, please help me not to hold back. I really really want to come…
5:47 I will help you My daughter.
6:00 “Take my life Lord let it be, a Holy offering.” (I had fallen asleep and woke up with these lyrics.)
6:02 “Abide in Me, and I will abide in you.”
Help me Papa to abide in You and in Your Word.
6:24 “I leave my heart open, open for You. I’m holding back nothing, nothing from You…”
6:25 Come My darling, it’s time.”
6:26 I’m coming Papa…
I missed the mark.. I’ve come to the end of myself; what I’m doing, or should I say, not doing, isn’t working. My mind is always full of questions about which way to go when I need to make a decision, which isn’t working. Instead I’m going to just ask God what I should do, and I hope I’m going to hear Him. I should have done this a long time ago. Tonight Lucas has a meeting in Steinbach about going over seas next summer for a photography trip. I don’t want him to go, but as he’s getting older, I don’t have as much say. I’m sorry… 🫶🏻 God is with us in this storm and He loves us more than we will ever know…❤️🔥