“Through You we push back our enemies; through Your name we trample our foes. I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, You put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise Your name forever. Selah” Psalm 44:5-8
Conversation & Reflection
Hello and welcome to my Journal. Life in the valley can be very difficult, but we need to remember that God is always faithful. Right now I’m in a valley, being tested and pruned so that in God’s time I’ll be ready to walk out of this valley, Victorious! What I’ve been doing so I don’t stay in a place of despair is spending time with God and crying out to Him because I know He hears me and He loves me. I’m keeping on doing what He’s already asked me to do. I’m clinging onto hope because God is my firm foundation. God is faithful and I know that He will never let me down, and I’m going to stay faithful to Him. He has shown me His faithfulness more times than I can count, and I know His love through that. God gives me dreams and wakes me up at certain times. As you read my journal my hope is that even though I’m in a valley in my life, I hope you will be inspired to always keep your heart open to God no matter what’s going on in your life, because God is a God of Love and He always has a Good plan for our life. He knows how to lead us; we just need to trust Him and follow Him! I believe that God is leading me out of the valley!!!
3:48 My daughter come. Rise up. You are Mine.
Papa, I’m coming! Help me see and help me come!
3:54/55My daughter, you are Mine and I love you.
3:57 Papa, I can only come when my heart is ready, and my heart can only be ready through Your work in my heart. I will try again today Papa. Please Help me Holy Spirit.
4:00 I will help you My daughter.
4:01 I kept my heart open, open to You. Take my life and let it be, a Holy offering.
4:03 Papa, I know that You are near and that I am not alone.
4:04 I am with you always My daughter. Come, you are Mine.
I believe You Papa.
4:34 Come My daughter, it’s time.
Papa, I know that You want me to come. I trust in You to show me the way to come. I want to come Papa, Jesus, with all my heart. I am Yours and You are Mine today.
4:41 Rest
4:49 Rest My daughter, I hear You.
5:02 I love You Papa, and I want to honour You today. I know that all things are possible with You and that You will bring things to completion. Nothing can stop You from doing Your will, and I’m so glad. All things work together for good, for those who love You, and I do love You with all my heart. I love Your plans and purpose for my life. Help me to walk in them today.
5:08 I will help you My faithful one. Rest, you are Mine this day.
5:11 Papa, Your peace has filled my heart. There is nothing I can’t do when You are with me.
5:18 “You make all things new. From the ashes, I will rise up, rise up.”
Dreamt I was in the CN Tower, way up high and I saw a person putting their hand on the window, a bit afraid of the height. Then in my more conscious mind I pictured the top begin to break, which would be my worst nightmare.
5:56 “Praise the Lord, oh my soul. Praise the Lord, oh my soul. My God is with me I know He’s alive, how could I keep it inside..”
6:23 I was sitting at a table for two and I saw something shimmer, floating in the air. As I gazed at it I saw that it was a small fish, and saw that it was transparent. I put my hand out to cup it into my hand and I saw it was actually true! It was a real fish! I had it in the palm of my hand. I knew it had been in water on the floor. I was in awe… so excited!!!
6:33 Someone walked to the big window in the bedroom that was my bedroom in the dream, and opened up the curtains and let the sunshine in!!! (God’s light shining into my heart.. my church is a lighthouse church:))
7:38 in a restaurant I saw a straw. Something was said about the fourth.
I was walking a little boy up to where he lived. His room number was 114. At first I was doing something with some kids and he was standing on my left. I didn’t know him very well and I asked him something or said something to him. Then I put my arms around him and held him close to me; he had his face snuggled in the bend of my arm. I had a sweater on so he was snuggling his face in my sweater, and he stayed there for a long time, not moving. I asked the person on the other side of me to see if he was alright so they bent down to see his face and saw that he was alright. Then all of a sudden he wanted to go home so I said I’d hold his hand and take him home. I wasn’t sure if he knew where his home was and then he said that his room number was 114. Then he had already walked up on some wooden stairs going up that looked like they were falling apart. I could see through the cracks that underneath was a very deep crevice. He had walked on it and was safe, waiting for me on the landing which was right there on my right, next to the short set of stairs (I sensed there were other people there too, waiting there for me). I stepped onto the stairs that almost broke and beside it there was a sturdy landing and I sat on it quickly, just in time before everything else broke. I made it and I was so deeply relieved!!!
In this short dream I missed my Shopgym class because I hadn’t realized something, but sensing it was okay and it was a good day off. A small scene where my Shopgym coach sat close to me but didn’t say anything. Then she got up and walked away.
6:26 PM Come my darling, I love you.
Papa, it’s my pleasure to come! Doing the work You’ve created me to do fills my spirit and nourishes my soul. I’m so thankful Papa. Thank You for making a way where there was no way. I know You love me deep in my heart. Draw me closer into Your heart Papa. I need You so very much! Thank You for cleaning my heart, making it neat and tidy. Thank You for enabling me to come and follow You today. I want to be a fisher of man and I crave to be a fisher of man. I am Your apprentice Papa!
6:34 Yes my daughter, you are. Come and follow me.
6:36 Papa, thank You, thank You, thank You! I am forever in Your dept! My life is Yours; I freely give it to you again and again.
6:40 Come My daughter, it’s time.
6:41 Papa, I love the people in the North End. My heart mourns for them. Use me for Your glory in the North End. Give me boldness there and wherever I go. I count for nothing; it’s You, it’s all about You.
6:45 Come, I will use you in a mighty way. I love you; you are Mine declares the Lord.
6:48 Papa I worship You and I give You all the Glory for what you have done in my heart and in my life. Thank You for Your faithfulness, Your patience, Your mercy, Your grace, Your forgiveness, Your love. I declare that I am free! Give me a singleness of heart for You!
6:55 Your love is alive in my heart. I love You Papa, Jesus. You’ve healed my heart and changed my name to Carolyn, and I love my new name… I will follow you wherever you go…
7:00 Papa, you’ve been faithful through generations, why would You fail now? You won’t! Rain came, wind blew, my house is built on You. I’m safe with You, I’m gonna make it through. Cause I’m standing strong on You. Christ is my firm foundation, the Rock on which I stand. You won’t ever fail. I love You.
7:04 I love you Carolyn; you are Mine.
7:11 “I put my faith in Jesus, my anchor to the ground. My hope and firm foundation. He’ll never let me down. Great is Your faithfulness to me. From the rising sun to the setting same I will praise Your name. I’ll still bless You. Great is Your faithfulness to me. I’ll still bless You. Great is Your faithfulness to me. I’ve got a reason to bless You. You’ve been so good to me! From the rising sun to the setting same I will praise Your name! Great is Your faithfulness to me!
7:17 Papa, I bless Your name.
My daughter, I love you.
I realize the meaning of the two brown purses; they represent my new identity/new name/new life/being alive!!! The Lord has ignited a fire in me for the North End people. I truly love being among them, praying for them, listening to their stories and sharing mine. I never would have thought I’d be saying these things and I can hardly believe I actually led someone to the Lord! I can hardly believe that I love sharing the gospel on Main Street! This is totally not the person who I used to be:) In my dream last night I didn’t go to Shopgym on a morning, wondering if it’s tomorrow morning; I’m planning on going, though I’ll see how the night goes.. I’m hoping God will keep me awake again because I love so much, to hear from Him! ❤️🔥❤️🔥
There has been such a battle within my heart in my journey with God/Jesus.. With every step of obedience, there was resistance at first, and then I’d obey and follow. As I’ve been slowly following, my trust in God/Jesus has been growing. The battle within my heart were the lies of the enemy that I had been believing for most of my life (and it’s only through the name of Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit that the enemy can be conquered and the lies broken off), and so with every step of faith when the Holy Spirit helped me to follow Jesus, my heart trusted God/Jesus more, and in this God has been transforming my heart to be more like His Son Jesus. So as we journeyed together, God kept stretching my heart as I kept following Him, doing things that I’ve never done before. As my trust in Jesus has been growing, my heart (which has a mind of its own it seems) has been softening to be able to accept and know God/Jesus’ love. Now I know what God/Jesus’ love is, I can love them deeply in return…
This has been a very difficult yet the most fulfilling journey of my life! I’ve learned over and over again that I cannot do anything God asks me to do in my own strength (“I do not trust in my bow.. but You give us victories over our enemies”) I can only boast in God, because it’s only Him who can work in my heart and lead me on a journey like He has into victory and freedom, setting my heart free from the lies of the enemy. Today is a day of victory because my heart has finally accepted God’s calling in my life, and through the Holy Spirit, my heart finally knows God/Jesus’ love, and I’m so very thankful… I love you Papa God, I love you Jesus, and I love this day 🥰
July 15: 1:44 In my dream I saw Joe Biden standing with his party of people, posing for the camera and smiling. (I had 2 Presidents Choice cookies)
1:50 “An alien and stranger to this world.”(I heard this right before waking up.)
2:20 Here I had felt a deep intimacy with Jesus…❤️🔥❤️🔥
3:07 Dreamt vaguely about being in someone’s embrace.
5:25 I dreamt that I was giving back something to someone that I thought was only taking up space. In my dream this thing went into a pot and stayed on top, in a pot. Then at the end of my dream pastor M was there and I wanted him to understand something so I put both my hands on his cheeks saying, something like, “everything here is bigger, the pots are bigger, other things (here I named other things that were bigger..” saying that at my house everything was smaller (so I was saying that I didn’t have room because my house was too small.) This evening I had a revelation; Pastor M is an evangelist, and being an evangelist is part of Gods calling on my life. What do I think about that? My flesh is yelling at me, saying I’m too small as a person and couldn’t ever do that. I actually can’t; I need to stop thinking about what I can’t do and start thinking about what God can do. I’m actually deeply excited that God has called me to evangelize. I’m going again on Wednesday and I can hardly wait!
5:34 “Today we shared our story.” This morning I could never have known what I would do in the evening. This evening I went to the Foundations class and this is what I did! I’m deeply grateful for the direction I received. I have peace in my heart that I will be led about the baptism weekend. I’m so deeply grateful for Gods leadership and wisdom in my life. In my heart I feel like I’m running to God/Jesus. I wish I had more freedom to just do what God has called me to do; feeling like I’m being held back.
7:32 sensing, “Good for you” (vaguely seeing green and red in a dream I had after going to the gym.) I’m sensing I need to be ready to share my story wherever I go. Goodnight… Love and Blessings…❤️🔥🙏🏼 Lucas has a driving lesson tomorrow morning at 9-11 in Landmark. Then going to basketball..
July 16 12:28/29 (I heard some words but fell asleep)
2:38AM “when I see you again, darling it won’t be long..”
9:34 “You have been forgiven”
9:40 Papa please forgive me!
I have forgiven you My daughter. Come, rest, all is well with you.
This morning as I’m waiting in the truck (Lucas is doing his driving lesson), I’m so desperate to follow God. My heart is in such anguish that I was resisting God again. It’s just because I’m not sure if what I’m sensing is right, so then I hesitate, letting the opportunity pass by. Monday morning I heard that day I would share my story. I didn’t have that sense while I was at the gym, but during the day this sense of sharing my story became stronger. So at the dentist while Bella was getting her teeth cleaned, I saw an older man and waited outside in the hallway for him and was going to talk with him and share my story. I let him walk past me as I was putting my phone away and followed him, saying something to get his attention a few times. He kind of looked to the side but kept on walking. If I would have been more determined, I would have not let that opportunity pass.
After I wrote what I wrote above, I was watching two moms with their kids on the playground. I began sensing to go and talk with them and share my story. So I began rehearsing what I would say. I saw there was a table or something there to sit and read my book, and so I brought it and sat down to read. After awhile I went up to them and began talking with them. One of them was talking to her girl so I talked with one of them. When I asked if I could share my story, she declined and said something about the kids needing attention. So then she asked me something else and we talked a bit more. Even though I really wanted to share my story and she declined, I’m sensing that I still obeyed and still got a thumbs up from the Lord.
Last night I dreamt that I was by a big swimming pool and Jesus was in it. I wanted to go in but then I saw there was a lot of blood in the water so I didn’t go in. I know this represents baptism, getting washed clean by the blood of the Lamb and leaving my old life behind and following Jesus. This is why my heart has been in so much anguish this morning. I’m so desperate for God/Jesus and to follow Him. In my heart I’m jumping into the blood of Jesus… Following Him is my purpose and I’m going to follow Him… I also dreamt that there was some kind of invasion on the earth and all of mankind was killed, except for a group of people who had their homes in the ground. I had another dream where my companion and I were in a big building and there was a big group of young people there, looking for certain people to shoot at. I was found out and the kids were going to tell on us and I begged them not to. I think what we were wearing was different than them (I think I was wearing plaid pants), and that’s why they found out. I think these kids were telling on us right before I woke up. I’m not sure but this could represent youth. Yesterday when I was being prayed for I felt an electrifying sensation and knew that God touched me..